Nine...eternities..in...DOOM!

I just wanted to say that I adore Vincent Price.

I just watched The Abominable Dr. Phibes, which I haven't seen in years, as well as Dr. Phibes Rises Again, which I had never seen before.

DPRA - was OK, pretty standard fare, and of course with some fantastic overacting by the venerable Mr. Price, and one murder that I didn't see coming and that made me laugh out loud. Oh, and the single best use of a Sousaphone in the history of cinema.

But oh, my reader(s?)...if you have never watched The Abominable Dr. Phibes, or even if you have and it's just been awhile - go ye to thy Netflix, or to the Blockbuster, or to the MGM channel if you have it. It's got a terrific self-awareness, with hilarious murders, completely marvelous over-the-top mugging by Price and Virginia North, and creepy-ass animatronic musicians that appear in the film's most bizarre WTF moments.

Vincent Prince reportedly laughed so hard during the filming that they had to keep redoing his makeup.

"Nine...killed...you....Nine....shall...die. Eight...are...dead...soon.. to.. be...nine."

C'mon, people. Time to jump on this bandwagon.

I Am Going To Take Ben Kingsley's Oscar Away Until He Learns To Behave

Full disclosure: I have not seen the film The Love Guru. Furthermore, you can't make me.

I am so disillusioned.

Ben Kingsley is in the new Mike Myers movie. His character's name is Guru Tugginmypuddha. It seems that he crosses his eyes in order to bring gravitas to the role.

Let me say that again: Ben Kingsley - SIR Ben Kingsley, Oscar winner and multiple nominee - is playing a character named Guru Tugginmypuddha.

Guru Tugginmypuddha?

Does Mike Myers know some horrible deep, dark secret about Sir Ben? Does he have access to some sort of Bad Decision Potion that he slipped into Kingley's Earl Grey like a career sabotage mickey?

How did a man with such a stunning array of honors, both personal and professional - a man WITH INDIAN HERITAGE, mind you, come to decide that it would be a Good Idea to play a one-dimensional racist character who exists purely as a vehicle for a junior-high-caliber joke in a film by the same man responsible for the abomination that was The Cat in the Hat? I mean, everyone in Hollywood makes a poor choice, role-wise, every once in a while, but COME ON.

let's cap this all off with this little nugget: apparently, Sir Ben said that working with Mike Myers was similar to what he imagined it might have been like to work with Charlie Chaplin. (No time for syntax, Dr. Jones! I'm ranting here.) That HAS to be a joke, right? Right?

I have to wash the whole idea of this out of my brain. I will watch Gandhi, or Sexy Beast, or The House of Sand and Fog, , or Testimony, or Schindler's List, or hell, even Dave (shut up. I like Kevin Klein, ok?) I will simply not acknowledge that these nuanced, brilliant performances were delivered by the same man who apparently thought that a vaguely racist masturbation joke might be a Neat New Challenge.

Gaaah.

Edit: It will serve him right if from now on, when you Google "Ben Kingsley", The Love Guru will be the first 10,000 hits.
I am pleased to report, however, that this is not currently the case.

The Hills Don't Have My Eyes

Can someone PLEASE explain to me what "The Hills" is(are)?

There was some vapid bozo from this show (with a name like Spencer or Sterling or Douchebag) on Letterman the other night, and I'm confused. It's "scripted reality" or something like that, right? So an ENTIRE SHOW that people watch that is full of useless famewhores like Paris Hilton? This guy claims he gets $100K just to show up at a club. I would maybe spend $100K if it meant I could HIT him with a club.

Where can I get me some of this "scripted reality," by the way? My reality has far too many catbox-cleanings for my taste.

UNRELATED LINK OF THE DAY: Clerk Hit With Frozen Burrito: Chips Stolen

Bargain Alert! Paris Hilton is Selling Her Hair!

And I KNOW you want to hop on that train - especially if you own an electron microscope, a biohazard suit, and a lot of Petrie dishes.

Well, actually, she's selling a line of hair EXTENSIONS, not her own personal hair. But still.

Check out this quote from her site (no, I will not give you the link. I will not be responsible for the spread of this particular plague):

"Everyone should get the chance to be me. That's why I created the world's hottest hair extensions. Choose from ten fabulous shades and you will be a clip away from hotness." (then the link, hilariously, says "See Hotness")

Alas, I fear that I will always be just a clip away from hotness. I shall also forgo my chance to be her. You can cut in front of me.

But...I thought he loved me (*sob*)

Yeah, yeah, I've been gone & now I'm back. Whatever. You can't force rants.

So now that school is out, I am free to watch daytime TV. Specifically, feeling myself in an anthropological mood, I thought I'd check out What The Kids Are Watching these days.

Parents: time to invest in a Panic Room, and to seal your younglings inside.

I'm not talking about the cheerful insipidness of the normal fare for very young children: Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, Li'l Einstein - that kind of show has always been with us, and frankly, many of us grew up with worse (I hereby exempt Sesame Street up through the mid-80's and all episodes of the Electric Company from any criticism, ever.)

The current thing for the pre-teen and teen set is the school soap. From its origins with the cutting-edge, award-winning (and personally beloved) Degrassi Junior High, the Teen Soap has taken over entire STATIONS and have a veritas that I hope to be falsitas with all my heart - because you would not BELIEVE what these kids are up to.

Remember back in the good ol' days, when a sitcom would have a Very Special Episode in which one of the main characters would be tempted to have sex but then go running out of the Room of Iniquity at the last minute? Most likely these shows would include at least several of the following: 1) A boyfriend (usually, although the female seductress was not unheard of) who seemed like "such a Nice Boy." 2) A Secret Getaway that the teen character had to either lie to be involved in or would outright storm out the door; 3) Dramatic moments of struggling with Teen Conscience, followed by the seductor/tress conveniently leaving the room long enough for Our Hero to Make her/his escape; 4) A teary scene with Understanding Parental Figure, usually containing the phrase "I thought he loved me..."

Now, we have shows in which kids MIGHT agonize over whether to sleep with someone, but it's usually the prude character. More likely, there is sex, and THEN there are consequences, provided you have a show that deals in consequences. There is some beach-looking show on The N in which sex seems to be a matter of course, and the only consequence has to do with the Drama of one character stealing another character's significant other. Famously, the new generation of Degrassi High (again, on The N), has Manny sleeping with Craig (who, by the way, is Ashley's boo) - but the American distributors chose to leave out her subsequent pregnancy and abortion. Another character on the same show - the Smart Girl Nerd - has sex with her boyfriend and chooses to carry the baby to term and give him up for adoption. Another episode deals with an outbreak of - I am not kidding here - Throat Gonorrhea - because apparently kids really do think that oral sex is not "real sex." This stuff airs before 10 pm, people.

Lest you think that this show is some kind of anomaly, let me direct you to the message boards for The N, in which several posters can be seen at any given time decrying Degrassi as "boring" and "lame" and "not hottttt enuff." Teen soaps are big, and once they outgrow Miley Cyrus and Jamie Lynn Spears (way to role model, btw), it's all downhill. Drinking is a matter of course. Sex as a means of gaining power is commonplace. Lying, cheating, stealing, backhanded dealings - all are rampant, and not even the "good characters" are exempt. It's a little too much like the real world, in that morality is hard. But this is TV. Is it supposed to be this real? If you can't get a readily available morality play in 22 minutes on TV, then where are you going to get one?

Parenting (and teaching) is getting a lot harder, methinks.

Now, get off my lawn.

Yeah, yeah, I've been all quiet

It's concert season in the public schools. What can I tell you? I'm a busy lady. I'm sure I'll have lots of rants to come: I just won't promise them daily.

Time-Killer for the Insufferable

(among whose ranks I count myself. I might, in fact, be Queen of the Insufferables. I'm having trouble suffering myself right this minute.

The Ecstasy of Influence

Kind of a fun read, with some important insights about the nature of intellectual property, copyright law, and other things that cause arguments.

There's a "twist" at the end, which I am sure you can see from 1000 miles away (did I ever tell you about the time the blurb on the back of a Blockbuster videotape caused me to ruin The Sixth Sense for myself as well as most of the people within earshot of me at the store?), but is fun nevertheless.

Thanks to my sister for the link and the article.

Your Burning Questions About Nose Piercings: Answered

I mentioned in my last post that I recently had my nose pierced. I've wanted a nose stud for years: I always used to look with deep envy at the tiny diamonds some Indian women wear (actually, if I had my way, I'd just BE Indian and wear saris everyday, etc...but that's another entry), so the day before Easter, I finally pulled the trigger. And I'm NOT SORRY.

Now, if you're anything like I was, you probably used to look at people with nose rings and wonder things like "how do you get it in there?" and "what happens if you get a cold?" I don't claim to be any great expert, me with my eight-day-old piercing, but I can give you a quick FAQ for the uninitiated.

1) Yes, it hurt. Not as badly as I thought it would, but I had a burly guy shove a 2.5 inch L-shaped needle manually through my cartilage. To be honest, the insertion of the jewelry was a bit more uncomfortable than the needle part. It bled, too: my sister said it looked like "turning on a faucet" This statement makes me a little worried about the plumbing at my sister's house, but never mind.

2) Sneezing is not a problem, despite what you might think, although it's a good idea to sneeze with your mouth open. I actually was afraid to sneeze for several days, what with images of shooting the stud across the room (ping!). Blowing one's nose, however - that's tricky. I'll let you know when I figure out an option that doesn't involve Q-tips (sorry). The biggest issue is that very little in the world makes you want to sneeze like having a giant metal rod in your nostril.

3) I am wearing what is called a "nose screw", which is kind of questionmark-shaped and holds its place with surprising security. It kind of curls around the upper edge of the nostril so that there's not a big thing of metal just floating loose in the cavity. There is no need for a back like an earring (talk about your germ traps) and no need to shove one's fingers up one's nose.

Tomorrow is my first day in front of students. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Man is Bringin' Me Down

So this past week I have been on Spring Break, and celebrated by 1) dying my hair jet-black with a magenta fringe; and 2) getting a nose piercing. Now, I love them both dearly, but in light of the fact that I have a major citywide string festival to conduct this coming week, I decided that I needed to pick my battles where school was concerned...so as of this morning, the magenta is gone, replaced with a still-edgy but much more believable brown-black. *sigh*

I also teach a preservice teacher class on string methods at a local college, and I did let them have the full effect of the nose ring and the pink hair. (They were duly impressed.) I told the young impressionables that they too can be all counterculture like me provided that they meet all of the following criteria:

1) The district in which you work has no dress or appearance code (check)
2) You're tenured with at least ten years of positive evaluations, a good reputation, and no infractions on your record (check)
3) Your brother-in-law is an attorney with a hate-on for dress codes, just in case (check - Thanks, Glenn!)

So I'm off to school, and I will have my little nostril stud, but my hair will be the same color it was when we left for break, and for a few weeks I will not wear my loud eyeshadows (I look really good in Urban Decay "Graffiti" but what can you do), and I will fly under the radar.

But I can't promise that the magenta - or maybe I'll do violet next time? - won't be back. I looked good. Take that, establishment!

Consequences, Shmonsequences...As Long As I'm Rich

Reality TV is a scourge. A guilty pleasure, but a scourge nevertheless. The worst and most virulent pox upon the television landscape (and this is a tightly contested race - I'm looking at YOU, Fox network) is The Moment of Truth. (look! Fox and Pox! It's a Dr. Seuss book...from Hell.)

So let me get this straight: we are going to take the most morally sketchy individuals we can find (and does anyone else notice how many of them seem to be women? I don't watch the show, the commercials are a veritable Estrogen Extravaganza) and we REWARD them (monetarily) for telling the truth for ONCE in their ethically bankrupt lives? They squeeze out a few crocodile tears and ruin a few lives and walk away with dollar bills floating in their wake like the Monopoly Guy. And people tune in and boo them or cheer them or...what DO they do, exactly? Feel superior, I guess. I know I do.

Now, you can make an argument for "it's only money" and blah blah but that's just what these people want: 5 minutes of greasy fame and a bunch of cash. I guess, though, that it's the logical extension of daytime talk shows ("Oh Maury, I just don't know which of these 11 guys is the father of my baby. ")

Revisionist History? Or Dumbassery?

Dear Car Company Whose Commercial Claims That "Joan of Arc ruled for only one year":

Charles VII would probably take exception to this, seeing as how HE was crowned during Miss Of Arc's tenure as titular head of a branch of the army.

Jeanne d'Arc never "ruled" anything. She was a figurehead whose family was given noble status before she was famously executed for heresy. The end.

Your commercial makes me so angry that I commence raving the instant your bizarre pseudo-historical fact hits the screen, with the result that I don't even know which make of vehicle you're shilling.

Maybe I just need to get out more.

A Sign of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse

This week's Sign that the End is Nigh:

A kindergarten class in one of my schools just had a pre-Spring Break party that included Grilled Fruit and Shrimp Skewers as the snack. First of all, who gives sharp sticks - with or without food on them - to a bunch of 5-6 year olds? Secondly, what the hell is wrong with cookies and milk? It's healthy and all, but fruit and shrimp? PTA moms with toooooo much time on their hands, my friends.

Several kindergarteners were then picked up BY LIMO to be taken to the local Dairy Queen.

The End Times Are Upon Us!

OK, so I spent an hour of my life - an hour that I will never get back, an hour that I will perhaps have to answer for as I lay on my deathbed cataloging my regrets - watching Rock Of Love. Season Two. It was then that I truly understood the truth: that western culture is dying a slow, horrible death, and all that is left is to choose your means of going down with the ship.

Option One is to become one of those psuedo-intellectual toolbags who self-righteously declares things like "I don't watch television/use the internet because I read only the Times."

Option Two is to embrace the lowest common denominator and become the type of person (I'm talking about ADULTS here, mind you) who purchases and uses things like the "American Idol Planner" (which I found sitting in the staff room of an elementary school where I work) so that you don't lose track of all the important events. When, that is, you're not reading your Mitch Albom books or telling someone that The DaVinci Code is a really excellent book that you should totally read.

Option Three (my personal choice) is to be fully capable of appreciating honestly good art, writing, or entertainment, but at the same time joyfully participating in and monitoring the signs of the coming cultural collapse. You know who you are. We all pretend to be ironic and above it all, and make snarky comments, but there's a small voice that loves every minute of it. It gives us something to feel angry and superior about (just like the tools who choose option 1) but at the same time allowing us the guilty pleasures of shows like Real Housewives. You, who frequent sites like Television Without Pity - you are my people. For you, this blog exists, and we shall share signs of the coming Cultural Apocalypse, and we shall both laugh and weep. And snark. Oh, my friends, we shall snark.